Blowing Up Moscow amongst other things
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: Daniel blows up Moscow, Jack blows something else. It's short, it's weird, it's first time and has spoilers for Absolute Power. Oh, and there's JackDaniel slash. I did mention it was crackfic, right? [Oneshot, expect no sequel]


Disclaimer: It all belongs to people who aren't me, like MGM and so on.

Spoilers for Absolute Power, obviously.

Daniel watched Moscow burn. It felt anti-climactic, in a way. It had almost been too easy. Sure, Jack had stormed in, trying to stop him at the last minute, but that had failed. And that had really been the only thing in his way. Jack and a gun. It was a bit sad, really. Was this the planet he had been defending all those years?

"You blew up Moscow!"

Ah, yes, Jack was still here, of course. He couldn't let him leave, not now. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer after all. Hmm, he'd better figure out which category Jack fell in. "Yes, yes I did."

Jack turned, and stared at him. "You blew up Moscow."

Daniel nodded. "Yes, yes I did," He repeated. It was hard to read the expression on Jack's face. A lot of it was shock, and disbelief.

"Moscow! You blew up Moscow!" Jack shook his head, and turned to watch the flames on the big screen again. "Moscow. You blew up Moscow."

That was a bit unnerving. Jack was repeating himself now. Maybe it had traumatised him? Maybe he should make an appointment for Jack with one of the therapists. It would do him some good. Until then, he would have to deal with him himself. Daniel got up out of his chair, and wandered over to Jack, who was still staring at the flames. "Yes. I blew up Moscow."

"You blew up Moscow," Jack said, and turned to face Daniel. "You blew up Moscow."

Oooookay, this was getting awkward. Daniel smiled, mentally willing Jack to say something else. Anything else. Not even necessarily in a language he understood. And was Jack almost smiling as well? That was certainly unex –

Daniel's thought process was cut off by Jack suddenly kissing him. Daniel tried to form a coherent thought, he honestly did. He valiantly tried, but every time he was getting there, it got derailed by 'OH MY GOD JACK'S KISSING ME WHAT IS GOING ON!' and that thought could derail one of those high-speed magnetic trains from Japan.

And as sudden as the kiss started, it ended. Jack smiled at Daniel and patted him on the shoulder. "You blew up Moscow."

Oh. So the kiss hadn't returned Jack's ability to say something else than just that sentence. He had a sudden flashback to the episode of Dexter's Laboratory in which Dexter could only say 'omelette du fromage' and promptly blamed it on Shifu watching cartoons during breakfast. At least Jack wasn't speaking French, which would've made the situation weirder than it already was, since Jack couldn't speak any French that wasn't from popular seventies songs.

"Ye-es, yes I did. I thought we established that." At least the ending of the kiss had returned his ability to think and speak like normal. "Look, it's been a long day, how about I show you to your room? Go and get some sleep." Daniel put his arm around Jack's shoulder to lead him away.

"My room? I'm staying?"

That was new, at least. "Yes, you are. I can't have you outside trying to form some sort of rebellion against me. I would just end up capturing you and locking you up anyway, so it would save us both a lot of trouble if I just locked you up now." And maybe if he led Jack to his new room fast enough, Jack wouldn't protest too much and it would all be over soon.

"So… I'm a prisoner now?" Jack asked, frowning but still walking along with Daniel.

"In a way, yes. You're not allowed outside of the building, you're only allowed into certain parts of the building. I'll have security give you the right pass in the morning. But you will be taken care off well, trust me," Daniel explained.

"No water and bread then for me?"

Daniel grinned. "'Course not. Friends take care of each other, right?"

Jack's smile faltered a little. "Yes. Friends, sure."

Back in awkward territory again, but conveniently they had just arrived at Jack's new room. "Oh, look, here we are. This is your room, or rooms, technically. Pretty much everything you need is in there. Bedroom, bathroom, things like that, go on in, explore." He almost shoved Jack inside, not wanting to go back to the awkwardness. Jack might kiss him again or something, and he rather liked being able to think right now.

"Okay… my god! Daniel! Wow!" Jack walked into his luxurious prison cell. "Big screen tv! Kingsize bed!" He ran over to another door. "A Jacuzzi!" He walked back to Daniel, who had been waiting by the door and was having a near death experience from Jack's crushing hug. "You're the best megalomaniac ever!" Daniel was a bit surprised, to say the least.

"Oh, it's nothing," He managed to get out. "No, seriously, it's nothing. You can let go now. Now, please."

"Wow. This is seriously better than Christmas AND my birthday wrapped in one. I must've been a very good boy this year!" Jack said, and winked at Daniel. "Wow. First you blow up Moscow, and now this is my new prison! How can I ever thank you?"

Wait, Jack was happy Daniel had blown up Moscow? Certainly Jack's irrational hatred towards Russians was strong enough to keep him from enjoying the best Russian vodka, but he had never expected it to be big enough to rejoice at a destroyed Moscow. The things you learned from –

There was another one of those thought derailing moments caused by Jack suddenly kissing him again. This really was beginning to become a bad habit. He would have to talk to Jack about this. He would. Right after Jack's tongue had returned to his own mouth, he would have a stern word indeed. Very stern. Oh yesssssss.

A few months later, things had changed in Daniel's lair. He didn't quite know when he started thinking about his place as a lair, but it fit. The other things that fit for some reason were his clothes, although he wasn't too happy about the black leather trousers. The black certainly fitted his new status as ruler of the Earth, but he didn't really know why Jack had insisted on the leather. It wasn't like his trousers showed when he was talking to the world leaders on his vidscreen anyway. He was behind a big desk for some reason.

He realised that a lot of things had happened to him and his lair without him consciously deciding to make them happen. He blamed this on Jack. He could see the sense of talking to the world leaders from behind his desk through a vidscreen, since it would be safer. It had been Jack's idea to make the desk bigger. More imposing, Jack had argued. Daniel had argued as well, or at least had tried but Jack had kept on kissing him. He really had to talk about that some day soon.

The darker clothes hadn't been a problem either. Daniel didn't know a lot about fashion, but even he knew that black went with everything and that having a primarily black wardrobe solved a lot of potential problems. He certainly didn't spend a lot of time in front of his closet wondering what to wear anymore, and that was good. The black leather trousers were less good. Another idea from Jack, who said it would add to his evil megalomaniac tyrant image. Daniel had attempted to argue that he wasn't evil per se, and that the word tyrant hadn't always carried such evil connotations. He had started talking about the ancient Greeks and city-states, when Jack demonstrated that he already knew things about the ancient Greeks which were far more interesting than etymology anyway.

It had been Daniel's idea to get a white fluffy cat to stroke, and he blamed that idea on Jack and his James Bond DVDs. Jack had tried to argue against it, but this time Daniel had won, if only temporarily. The first time he had talked to the Russian president with the white cat on his lap, the cat wouldn't stay on his lap and kept trying to get off, which was quite embarrassing. The next day he had been talking to the prime minister of Great Britain, and the cat had been clawing at his leather trousers. Needless to say, this had been quite embarrassing too. He hadn't talked to any politicians the day after that, since his allergies had started to act up again, making his eyes red and his nose run.

This was the day after that. The cat had been taken care off, by getting one of his assistants to find her a happy and loving family, and his eyes and nose were back to normal. He had dug up some of his older clothes which might not be dark but weren't leather either. They were comfortable. Unthreatening. Just the way he wanted to look when he was talking to the president of the United States.

He got behind his desk, grabbed some of his papers and looked through them to remind himself of what he was going to talk about. He was startled by feeling two hands at his waist, fumbling with the zipper. Hey. Wait a minute. Hands? Waist? Zipper? This didn't make sense. He hadn't hired a call girl, it wasn't his birthday and no one of his staff was stupid enough to hire a call girl without him ordering it. And no one of his staff was stupid enough to crawl under here either. That left only one option. He tried to roll his chair back to check, but the chair wouldn't move. The snigger from below the desk confirmed it. Jack. Oh crap. Daniel had the creeping suspicion that Jack had found another way to stop him from thinking.

One his staff members opened the door to ask him if he was ready for his conversation with the president. Of course he wasn't! He had an Air Force colonel with a sick sense of humour under his desk! Of course he wasn't ready! "I'm fine, thank you. You can put the president on in a minute, no problem." He smiled. Of course he couldn't let his staff know any of those things. They might he couldn't handle Jack. Well, he could. And he would show him. He'd have to hurry.

"Jack," He hissed. "Stop it."

"I'm not doing anything." Came the reply. "I'm just sitting here, minding my own business and opening your trousers. Just trying to make you feel more comfortable."

"I'm about to talk to the president of the United States."

"Oh, was that today?"

The asshole knew. The asshole planned this. Asshole. "You asshole."

"I don't think you should tell the president that. Might make you look bad. Of course, you did just take over the world, but that's still no reason to call him an asshole. Didn't you vote for him in the last elections anyway?"

"Shut up, Jack. Just leave, quickly."

"Oh, like it won't look bad if the president sees me coming from under your desk? I'm not doing that, Daniel. I'm still an Air Force colonel, and I'm not stupid."

Daniel ground his teeth. Could've fooled him. He was about to say something to Jack, when the vidscreen came on with the president smiling. "Good morning, Mr. President."

"Good morning to you, Dr. Jackson. I would like to get straight to business with you and talk about some of the concerns that were raised in the Senate which were – "

And once again Jack had done it. Well, Jack's mouth really. And the tongue was definitely to blame too. Couldn't listen. Couldn't think. Could talk, though, that one was new. Most of what he said was either 'yes', 'oh God' or a combination of both. At least he was making a good impression on the president by being so agreeable, although he had no idea what he was agreeing with. Didn't really care at the moment either.

With a final shout of 'oh yes oh God yes yes yes' his part of the conversation was done and he slid under the desk, completely boneless. He heard the president's voice sounding worried for about five seconds until the connection was terminated.

Daniel was mortified. He didn't feel like coming out from under this desk for a very long time. Unfortunately, Jack was under here with him, radiating smugness.

"Now, aren't you glad you went for the larger desk?" Jack asked. Daniel's answer was stomping Jack in the ribs with his elbow. "Hey! What was that for? I just gave you a blow job! You don't elbow me after a blow job, which as far as I could tell you enjoyed."

Daniel glared at him. "I'm sure the president enjoyed it too."

Jack tried to look as innocent as possible. "Oh, that had started already? I thought that wasn't for another five minutes."

Daniel buried his face in his hands for a moment. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why all this? The kissing, the blow job, why?" He had to know now. He had promised himself to have this conversation for weeks now, so it was about time they had it.

"It's my way of rebelling inside the walls rather than outside," Jack replied.

"Even that first kiss after I blew up Moscow?" Daniel asked, incredulously. All this time it had simply been some sort of diversionary tactic?

"No, that was a genuine thank you for blowing up Moscow. You know about my irrational hatred towards the Russians, and I appreciated the gesture." Jack suddenly looked at his hands, which were resting on his knees. "And er, it's only partly rebelling. A major part of me was simply enjoying kissing you a lot, and I figured that if it stopped you from thinking and planning and scheming and being a megalomaniac, all the better."

Oh. Oh. That was something at least. "Did you… think about kissing me before you did that, or was it just impulsive?"

Jack was still studying his hands, which was very useless considering how badly lit the underside of the desk was. "Kinda. Almost did it in that time loop thing, but I didn't want to kiss you simply because I happened to be bored."

"That's kinda sweet in a way," Daniel replied carefully. "Although I wouldn't have, erm, minded. Much."

"Really?"

"Well, I would've minded the not remembering but I wouldn't have minded the actual kissing when it was going on."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I can't believe it took you blowing up Moscow to make me properly kiss you after all this time," Jack said, finally looking at Daniel.

"I can't believe it took you pretending to yourself it was all a strategy to make you continue to kiss me," Daniel replied. "Seriously."

"I know. Hey, can we have proper sex on the desk now? Because I sort of had that in mind ever since I made you buy it."

Daniel checked his watch. "I need to talk to the French president in fifteen minutes."

"So?"

"I am NOT having sex on my desk with the French president watching, Jack."

"I don't think he'd mind. Not much, anyway. Besides, you just got a blow job in front of the United States president."

"Unexpectedly! It was a surprise attack on my nether regions, Jack, you ass." Daniel fastened the button and zipper on his trousers, before Jack got any ideas again.

"So… we're not having sex on your desk then?" Jack asked, sounding a bit disappointed.

"I never said that. We can do that once I'm done with the French president," Daniel said. "Now, go away. Go do something useful, somewhere else."

Jack looked sulky for a moment, then crawled out from under the desk. "Fine. I'll just go and find the lube then, shall I? And if you're lucky, I'll find the handcuffs too." He wandered out of Daniel's office, although Daniel didn't see that as he was still underneath the desk.

He was thinking about the handcuffs. Jack had done it again, apparently. No more thinking for Dr. Jackson for a while, dammit. He was so very doomed in so many ways.

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